Submitted by Shannon on 29th March, 01:09AM


It’s a proven fact. Old television shows or films never die, they’re just put into a storage warehouse to someday be dusted off, refitted and given a makeover.

With the likes of 'Bewitched' and 'The Dukes Of Hazzard' soon to invade our screens it’s only fitting that Disney would want their share of the retro pie. Delving back into movie history Disney have scraped the bottom of the pick-a-part heap and given the ‘love bug’ Herbie a lube job and some new oil relief.

For those of relative youth who’re clueless to the past life of Herbie, Herbie is a Volkswagen Beetle with a personality and traits that take on near human proportions.

In the late sixties and seventies Disney put out a string of Herbie films, 'The Love Bug', 'Herbie Rides Again', 'Herbie Cuts The Cheese', 'Herbie Does Dallas', etc. Okay the last two weren't real but you get the idea, there were a lot of Herbie films.

All were moderately successful films with their mixture of fast cars, Jim Douglas (the original owner of Herbie) chasing fast women (well good enough for him considering he was no oil painting) and Herbie the loveable Beetle belching smoke and pissing oil on anyone who pissed him off.

Being a family friendly bug Herbie wasn’t pissed, Herbie just had anger issues and Jim didn’t ‘get’ the girl he only held her hand and if he kissed her there was no tongue.

Exhuming the time capsule in the year 2005 we find Herbie isn’t the car of yesteryear. A lack of success and the passing of time have seen Herbie become no more than a piece of metal confined to marking time on an auto death-row at Crazy Dave’s scrap yard.

As coincidence should have it along comes ‘skatergirl’ Maggie Peyton (Lindsay Lohan) who’s NASCAR racing father Ray Peyton Sr. (Michael Keaton) has offered to buy her a car as a token graduation present (although with some seriously average editing it’s obvious the only skateboard Lohan has ever stood on had no wheels).

With nothing much to choose from, Maggie settles for the number 53 Beetle (after her original choice is crushed). The minute Maggie gets behind the wheel and Herbie’s rear wheels burn off a cloud of dust (without her involvement) she realises this is no ordinary car.

Personality or possessed, you be the judge.

Looking somewhat worse for wear and tear Herbie is these days the ugly duckling of the racing set. But with auto-mechanic Kevin (a friend from the past and potential love interest for the future) the pair soon turn Herbie from a feather-duster to another four-wheeled jaw-dropper that looks like it just rolled off the assembly line at MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride’.

A member of a NASCAR racing family (her brother Ray Jr. drives for her father’s team) the need for speed courses through Maggie’s veins. Still holding onto the memories of his wife (who’s probably pushing up daisies with Jim Douglas), Ray is vehemently against his daughter being involved in racing. But this doesn’t stop Maggie (thanks to Herbie) getting involved in a heated racing duel with NASCAR champion Trip Murphy (Matt Dillon) who’s pride is damaged coming off second best to Herbie in an impromptu street race. Whatever it takes Trip is determined to have his pride restored and see Herbie crushed to the size of a sardine tin.

Disney has decided that if it’s good clean family entertainment the public want then they’re fresh out of original ideas. A new time and new generation of young impressionable minds is all they need to recycle old ideas.

With Lindsay Lohan starring a wide range of the audience demographic is covered. They’ll attract her legion of young fans that adore her films and buy her albums (yeah another starlet that sings too). They’ll also attract the voyeuristic middle-aged (and beyond) male fans that drool over her dresses (that continue to shorten with every frame) and her heaving bosom (that continues to heave away) the same way Homer Simpson drools over a doughnut.

Add to this the movie’s involvement with the phenomenally popular American pastime of sitting down and watching fast cars go round in a continual loop for hours on end (NASCAR racing) and some death defying stunts that simply can’t be executed without the help of some computer generated assistance.

The end result being one savvy, repackaged and reconstituted Volkswagen.

Just like it’s past incarnations the plot of 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' is as thin as a Sakata rice cracker but does have some credible performances from Lindsay Lohan (who could get more credit for her acting ability if someone in wardrobe would make some things a little less obvious), Matt Dillon, who currently seems to be going through some sort of renaissance period and Michael Keaton. Without them this new incarnation of Herbie would have been little more than a straight to DVD release.

Who knows where the continuing journeys of Herbie will take place from here, Monte Carlo perhaps?